Adoption Blog #2: Reactions to the news

Night stand  I rehabed for my child's room w/paint & new hardware. 

 

While what ultimately matters most is what I think concerning my decision to adopt, it is natural to want family, friends and others to celebrate with me and to be supportive in various ways. I think people go through stages in crises (I do not use this word as a negative term but one simply denoting life-changing events). Certain kinds of advice may be more appropriate and helpful at one stage of a crisis than at another. Most family, friends and others have been overwhelmingly positive and ostensibly happy for me. I recognize that any negative and/or not so helpful comments and responses may have come from a good place. My family has known for some time that I have had the desire and intention to adopt. But when I moved to a two bedroom apartment, began furnishing the child's room, talked about it more frequently, and resumed the formal adoption process, then came the unsolicited advice, warnings, and sometimes off-handed remarks from family and others. Their mostly well-intentioned words sometimes left me rolling my eyes, in a mild state of shock, or seething. Even well-intentioned words spoken at the wrong time or spoken at all can be less than helpful.

Most people have wanted to know if I plan to adopt an infant, and some even suggest that I should. Because with an infant, they say, I have a better chance of molding ("controlling"?) the child. (I think we all attempt to control the children in our lives [and the adults for that matter]. It can be difficult to let go/God of a grip [or get a grip] while providing guidance and support, rather than trying to control others, or to always know the difference.) Sure some people may assume I am younger than I am, as is often the case. But I am far from being a spring chicken, chronologically that is. I could be the hen's momma, maybe!  In Michigan, and maybe other states as well, I have had to explain, the age difference between the adoptive parent and the child cannot be more than fifty years. One could get around the age difference rule by fostering a baby or toddler and hoping that the child becomes adoptable. But there are so many variables and the goal of fostering is supposed to be to reunite the child with the birth parent whenever possible. The goal of fostering should not be for the purpose of trying on children, like a pair of shoes, for possible adoption. So I find myself often reiterating that I am committed to adoption.  Besides the need is great for adoptive parents of school age children. Still some people want to emphasize how set in her ways the child will be. I am aware that according to experts most children's personalities are fully developed by age seven or first grade--a stat people love to quote. One study claims that by that age the personality is set for life. Yes, I have read and heard that. I also believe no two children are exactly alike; that children are individuals and not statistics. I think science should not be ignored and I believe in everyday miracles; the power of love and good professional counseling. I also believe that trouble, or potential trouble, should not trump compassion or a calling to give back in whatever way we choose or are led to do so. I see it all the time as a teacher: people are deterred by potential difficulties, not even realized trouble. 

I plan to provide a loving, supportive, nurturing home, and pray the child will be impacted in positive ways. That's all any parent can hope for, whether they birthed the child or not. Some have said "well you don’t know what you are getting" when you adopt a child of school age. I usually respond that you don't know what you are getting when you birth a child. Of course, that is never the end of the conversation. Someone actually pointed out the case of an adoptive child murdering his parents. But for every such case, there are probably ten in which the assailant was the natural child of the victim. In either case, most parents commit to doing their best to raise their children.

Others pride themselves in letting me know that children in the foster care system have educational, emotional, physical and mental challenges and will need professional help. I am by no means oblivious to this fact. (And if I somehow had been ignorant of that reality, the PRIDE training remedied that.  At one agency, the orientation was horrid enough—more about that later.) I also know that some birth parents are in denial about those same needs in their own children. For children that have been diagnosed with any physical, mental, educational or emotional challenges while in foster care (usually rated on adoption sites such as MARE or adoptuskids.org as "none," "mild," "moderate," or "severe") the state pays for access to appropriate professionals and other resources.  I, of course, must know and be honest about my own limitations and make wise decisions when choosing a child based on the information that I can access about the child and her background. I also know that regardless, the child will need help dealing with loss and learning to trust and love a virtual stranger. And although I already have love for my potential child, I too will be learning to love her, regardless. Children always love their birth parents no matter what those parents might have done to them. I've seen this up close. It never ceases to amaze me how some who have birthed and raised children assume that single women who have not birthed children know nothing about children and human development.

Some of the mildly irritating comments directed at me include "You are not going to be able to do all that you do now,"  "Are you ready to comb hair?", "You need to adopt two because she will be used to being around other kids," or "Why don't you let her pick out the bedroom furniture" (to which I replied did you do that for your three children?; case closed). People who make such comments usually don't know me intimately, make assumptions based on their own lives, or maybe just need to feel superior in some way. Nevertheless, the overwhelming majority of friends and family affirm me in my decision to adopt (even while offering their mis/advice), and tell me I will make a great mother. But nobody, I am happy to say, suggested that I am too old. I should take it as a compliment when some people suggest that I adopt a baby, I guess!

I have thought long and hard about adopting a child, and I believe this is the time and season. In the process, I am painfully learning that not all adoption agencies are created equal, especially those that deal with foster children/state wards. More about this later. Thank you for your prayers and support. Pray for my potential child and for me...for grace and wisdom. They are much appreciated!  My next blog will address some fears.

I am adopting a child! Journey with me. #1

For the past 4-5 years I have been considering adopting a child. I want to make a positive difference in a child's life--a child who wants and needs a mommy like me. About four years ago I made a vision board and on that board I wrote "adopt a child in 1-2 yrs". I am a bit overdue, but we cannot control all the circumstances that will bring about the vision--when or how it will mature. First, I wanted to publish a couple books so I wouldn't feel so pressured to do so when I became a mother. You could say I wanted to "lean in" now in preparation for welcoming a child into my life. I have published three books. I also needed to be more financially stable. While I don't have more money than I did three or four years ago, following a series of pay cuts due to the economic downturn and its impact on student registration at my institution, I feel I am more in control of my finances. I cut out a lot of unnecessary expenses, like gym memberships and personal training fees (instead I bought more free weights, a jump rope, dvds, exercise ball, and hit the pavement) and cable (yes, cable which seemed more like rerun hell, only I had to pay for it).  I still need to become better at avoiding a good clothing sale, but I have made great strides. So even though I am beyond my target date for adoption, I believe this is the right time and season for me to adopt a child. 

It has already been a very emotional process, beginning before I contacted my first adoption agency. I would be watching tv, as a temporary reprieve from my routine or an escape into some comedic or adventurous reality transcending my own, but my escape would be interrupted by some commercial or story about abandoned or abused children. And I would break out in an uncontrollable, deep soul sobbing and wailing. I’d ask myself, out aloud, “what the heck is wrong with you?!”  I think it was a combination of my compassion for children needing safe, loving homes AND menopause. God was knocking at the door of my menopausal heart. My body, its season in life, was reminding me and pushing me in the direction of that commitment I had yet to honor.  I had fears. I feared my life would become less controllable; that I would not be able to manage a child and a vocation; that I might not be mom material no matter how much I wanted it--not enough patience, for example. [more about my fears later]

It is strange and ironic that I find myself in this place. Although I love children, I never had an overwhelming desire to inhabit a delivery room in order to sweat profusely in unspeakable pain with people telling me to push for what would seem like an eternity. I had severe menstrual pains most of my life and I thought if birthing a baby was anything like that I would pass. My mother said she didn't have much pain during childbirth. In fact, she would stay at home until the very last minute before going to the hospital. She said it was better to wait at home than in a cold hospital room. I pushed my way out of her womb in the elevator at the hospital! I also never wanted to be a single mother having seen how my mother struggled. But I am now choosing to be a single mother, a single black mother. More about this in another blog. I will parent a black female child in a world that is too often an unsafe place, unfriendly, hostile and deadly, for females, for minorities. The human trafficking epidemic in the US, in my state; the 2000 missing children in my state; the willingness of people to kidnap school girls and rape them or rape them on their way to school. The fate of the Renisha McBrides are as troubling to me as are the deaths of the Tamir Rices. She, my child to be, likely already "knows" this about the world, unfortunately. But I am grateful I am not deterred by fear, anymore, but moved by compassion and love.

So my life is not what I expected (and neither is hers), nor what others expected either--who cares what others expect? It is what it is, and I am who I am, now. Others saw my future as a wife and mother of several children---not as a scholar, author, preacher. I do know that if I had married young and had children, I would not be the person I am today, doing what I love (though not always loving it) and wanting to share my life with a child I have yet to meet. I am not saying that one life would be better, more virtuous, than the other, just different. Both could be grand! I may have avoided some physical pain, but adopting, the process, has its own emotional ups and downs and pangs and stressors---few experiences are painless. And I will share some of them with you, if you will join me on this journey here. Blog #2 will discuss the reactions to the news. From time to time I will publish a PS (postscript) or afterthought between numbered blogs. Blog #3, My first orientation with the first of (three) adoption agencies. And on....  Ask questions if you please, and I may be able to answer them.

Inhumane!: Detroit Shuts Off Water to Thousands of its Residents

Utility companies are quick to disconnect and shut off utilities, such as electricity and heat, even when the absence of those resources could mean the difference between life and death, sickness and health--during the coldest winter months and the most sizzling summer months. And all one needs to do to get a shut-off notice or to be disconnected is to miss one payment. If we are honest, many of us have been there.  We could have paid our bills on time for years, but let some emergency or something unexpected come up or  let us inadvertently miss a payment, and we are out of luck, especially if we cannot come up with a deposit plus the bill we missed. Our need for heat and/or electricity vary from season to season, but our need for water remains constant.  Human beings cannot survive for long and cannot remain healthy without water.  How in the world can we deny any human being access to water, unless we no longer see them as human beings but as entries in a ledger? How do we justify cutting off people's access to water at any time, but particularly when so many have lost their jobs or been subject to a decrease in pay during this latest economic recession or downturn, which we have yet to fully recover from? And I understand that Detroit Water and Sewage has been increasingly raising its rates during the recession. Few of us have been exempt, but the impact is greater on some than on others. And we must be our brothers and sisters keepers, if we would maintain some semblance of our own humanity.

One would think that we are living in a two-thirds world country (where famines occur all too often and a history of colonizat

Mouth of Lake Michigan

ion has stripped naked the land making it more vulnerable) and that water is scarce. But here are some facts about Michigan water: 
"Michigan is blessed with an abundance of water above and below the ground. Every drop of water that falls from the sky has the potential to contribute to the vast quantities of water that will flow into one of our Great Lakes. Water drops from rain are collected and stored in watersheds.
... A network of streams and rivers that flows to a larger river system will eventually end up in one of the Great Lakes. Michigan has 86 major watersheds. The longest watershed in the state, the Grand watershed, is 260 miles long. The largest drainage basin is the Saginaw River watershed which is approximately 8,709 square miles.
Michigan has 26,266 inland lakes throughout the state that are greater than one acre in size. The largest lake is Houghton Lake, which is 20,044 acres and has over 30 miles of shoreline. The Great Lakes has a shoreline of 3,288 miles. About 40 percent of the major rivers in the state flow into Lake Superior, 35 percent flow into Lake Michigan and 25 percent flow into Lake Huron and Lake Erie.
There are about 120 major rivers in Michigan. The total miles that these rivers cover is about 36,350 square miles. To put this in perspective Michigan has more square miles of rivers than the states of New Jersey, Connecticut, and the combined miles of Delaware and Rhode Island in total square miles." [Source:http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/michigan_water_facts ]

Yet, Detroit, a major US city within Michigan, has no qualms or conscience about cutting off the water supply to thousands of its individual customers, even those who may have missed only one payment or maybe as little as $40 in arrears (I am told). And it appears that many of those customers are the elderly, the poor, and children. Nonprofit organizations like We the People of Detroit and Detroit People's Platform and individual Michigan residents are raising their voices and opening their wallets to help those residents left without water for washing their bodies and clothes, for cooking and cleaning, for flushing their waste, and for drinking. The Detroit Water and Sewage company, according to Detroit People's Platform,"launched its most aggressive shutoff and collection campaign in the history of the department.   According to press accounts the department has pledged to shut off and disconnect from the city water supply an average of 1500 to 3000 households per week with an overall target of 30,000 households during the next several months.   We believe that this policy of water shutoff as a collection strategy in addition to posing serious ethical issues, also has serious public health impacts.  For example, shutoffs create unsanitary conditions leading to the transmission of dangerous bacteria contributing to increased UTIs; gastrointestinal problems; hepatitis A; influenza; and other diseases that are linked to unsafe water and poor sanitation.   Household water shutoffs also exacerbate adverse mental health conditions in the home and is likely to bring about anxiety, anger, depression and other post-traumatic stress disorder like symptoms. Further, we are concerned that the notice of water shutoff which signals by public health code that the residence is unfit for human habitation, will also trigger a child welfare crisis potentially leading to the removal of children from the home under the orders of the child protective services." 

It appears that Detroit is systematically and callously and inhumanely pushing people, the most push-able, the most vulnerable, out of the city or into a grave!

Recently, the Detroit Water and Sewage company has said that it will also begin to do to some local businesses what it has already done to some of the "least among us". This turn toward businesses comes after much protest from Michigan residents and  after the targeting of individual residents first--once again the needs and rights of corporations are placed above those of the ordinary citizen.


It seems that so far Detroit Water and Sewage and the Detroit Department of health and Wellness Promotion have turned a deaf ear to the citizens and organizations who are protesting the water shut-offs for the most vulnerable among us.  Detroit People's Platform is asking for the following considerations from Ms. Vernice Anthony, Director of Detroit Department of Health and Wellness Promotion:

• "As Public Health Officer for the City of Detroit, advise the mayor of the potential threat to public health in the face of the widespread water shutoffs;
• As Public Health Officer for the City of Detroit call for a moratorium on all water shutoffs;
• Recommend that as a matter of public policy a health impact assessment be conducted on the impact of water shutoffs on the population’s health with an analysis as to how these conditions further contribute to racial health inequities."

 I hope that people of faith and people of conscience will also stand up and speak out against this gross injustice.  In the meantime, donate some water or some money to help get someone some much needed water.

visit: http://www.unitingdetroiters.org/ for more info.