Now I understand why pregnant women don’t like to tell people that they are pregnant until they are certain that everything is fine, especially if they have lost a child and/or have been unable to carry it full term. As I wait, having done all that I am supposed to do, people ask me what’s going on with my adoption. I know I opened the door, but to be honest being asked constantly, not by the same person, but by different people can add to my anxiety. I am forced to talk about what I can’t do anything about at this point. I can only wait. I have been reminded again that the system is overburdened, that the system is run by people who have their own lives and issues and that mine will not necessarily take priority, that faith is not knowing but continuing to hope for the best… I know it takes time. For me, it has been over a year since I started this process. However, some of my friends and well-wishers have only come to my story a short time ago or during this waiting segment; this is not where my story began. But I still must wait and continue to prepare to receive my child. One can never be over prepared or fully prepared to parent a child. I have never been more anxious and looking forward to my life to be drastically interrupted. And I don’t even know, I’m sure, what all that will entail. I’m looking forward to it because it is not about me. I have never had some overwhelming desire to be a mother, biologically. And it has nothing to do with loving children. I don’t even fully understand why. But I do have a deep commitment to make a positive difference in a child’s life at this time of my life.
What am I doing while I wait? Making adjustments. I teach evening classes and so I have not been a morning person, not consistently. During this waiting period I am turning my body clock around, instead of doing a drastic 180 when she arrives. I have commenced going to bed early (or at least laying in bed for three hours before falling asleep at the time I would have normally gone to bed late). That will take time too! I have writing commitments that I am trying to get a jump on knowing that it will take time when the child arrives to work out a new or different writing schedule. And I know there will always be interruptions. I decided it is time for me to get a primary care doctor, rather than just going to specialty physicians. I am taking care of the stress I have had for some time in my lower back, which has turned into sciatica. I need to be able to stand in long lines with less physical discomfort and so I am in therapy for my back. A week before I started therapy I had a marvelous hot-stone massage from a masseuse that definitely knows which muscles need the most attention and how much attention; my back felt brand new for several days. That will be my long term therapy, and I will need to budget for it.
I am making other adjustments during this waiting period as well, and I am sure I will discover others. So I will try to be grateful for this time even as I look forward to the future. Hopefully in the next week I will receive a report on the child I am interested in adopting. Nevertheless, I pray each day for my child to be that she is safe and well-loved in the meantime.