Adoption Blog #5: I finally had my first home study visit!

As some of you know from a recent Facebook post, my journey to motherhood is on track.  I have finally been assigned a licensing caseworker and she made her first home visit with me shortly thereafter. Yay!  I am very pleased with the experience, professionalism, expertise, and compassion that my licensing worker brings to this process.  She has worked as an adoption worker as well as a foster care caseworker.  She brings over ten years of experience to the ministry of helping me through this life altering journey. In

addition to several forms that Ms. K, as I will call her, required that I fill  out during our first home visit, she checked the temperature of my hot water; it was too hot (more than 120 degrees F). I have a temperature control dial on my hot water heater, so I have attempted to cool it down. Ms. K will recheck it during the second home visit this month. Ms. K also had to measure all the rooms in the house to make sure there is adequate space for the number of people who will be living in the household including the child (just me and her). She had a gadget that she placed on an opposite wall and it beamed a red light to the other end giving her the measurements from wall to wall -- cool. I think it is a laser distancing tool. She also asked about any medicines I take and whether they are properly stored away. The only medications I take on occasion are aspirin, Aleve or Ibuprofen, which are kept in the medicine cabinet or in my purse. That seemed to satisfy Ms. K.  

When the child first enters my care, she will be a ward of the state and thus in foster care while in my home until the adoption is finalized. Thus, the state will make sure that every effort is made to maintain a safe and healthy home environment. I had to develop a home evacuation plan in case of a fire or other emergency, submitting a copy to the agency and keeping one for myself. I will discuss this plan with the child when she arrives in my home. Also, a phone must remain in the home at all times for emergencies. Since land lines are being phased out, it is now acceptable to have a cell phone that is always kept in the home (along with emergency contact numbers). Check!

Something I never thought about as a safety risk was the small pond behind my apartment. Post the first home study visit, Ms. K informed me that I must put an alarm or bell on the patio door that faces the pond. To my surprise there are several types of wireless bells or alarms that can be easily installed. I purchased a set of two for about $15 at Home Depot, placing one on the sliding glass door and one on the screen door as well. As soon as one opens either door a loud shrieking sound alerts me that the doors have been breached. It took me less than five minutes to stall them.

Ms. K did not leave me without my homework. I had to complete an eighteen page self home study that asked me in detail about my upbringing, my parents and their backgrounds, my siblings and my relationship with them growing up and now, all the schools I attended, what I learned from my parents and what I would do differently, my knowledge of child development, what values I would install in my child, my parenting style, the demographics of my neighborhood, the schools my child would likely attend, what recreation facilities and parks are available, my faith and religious habits, my work history, etc etc. I sat down for hours to reflect and complete the self home study. This was a good and helpful exercise. I am becoming more and more aware of how planning, intentionality, and consistency will be my some of my closest allies.  Another lengthy form that I had to complete was a self assessment of the characteristics and challenges I was not willing to deal with or would be willing to deal with with appropriate training -- issues like bed wetting, aggressions, withdrawal, sexual abuse, children who are on medication, mental disabilities of various levels, etc. I know that it is important for me to be realistic about what I can physically, emotionally, and logistically handle. I know that some issues could arise later in life, but I must be honest with myself in terms of my situation now. I will, of course, continue to work/teach (God willing), but also to write. This expectation figures into what kind of issues I can handle or want to handle. While I plan to devote the necessary time to the child  I adopt to ensure she is well nurtured (educationally,emotionally, spiritually and physically) and loved, I cannot lose sight of self care and nurture. I will certainly have to rearrangement my life, but I don't have to give up my other goals, as some seem to think or have suggested. Someone recently said to me that I would not be to write anymore. I feel that a big part of what I do or do not continue to do is up to me and my ability to be creative and take care of myself while taking care of my daughter. It will certainly be an adjustment(s), and it will likely be quite rocky at first. But I believe it is doable, and with sanity.

Over my lifetime there have been people (non family) to offer me help, but when the time came to do what they offered, they fell short -- too often. So I was (and maybe still am) a little worried about my support system.  All of my immediate family (siblings, nieces, nephews) live in Ohio. Since I started on this journey several people outside of my biological family have said that they would be a part of my support system when I need someone to step in and care for my child in emergencies, particularly. I was told that people will promise to help but whether or not they will submit to the needed background check is another thing. So far the three people who offered to be a source of support have submitted to background checks. I am grateful!  I am also grateful for sisters who have adopted (one a baby and another a teenager) who have stepped forward to offer a listening ear and/or advice -- they know who they are. At a later time and with their permission I might mention their names.

I was also very pleased when Ms. K offered to reach out to the caseworker of the child I am interested in adopting. She has requested a report on the child and when it arrives it will be shared with me. Keep praying for me and for my child to be--wherever or whoever she may be.

Adoption blog #3. Not all Agencies are Created Equal.

According to the foster care/adoption literature, websites, and media ads, there is a tremendous need for foster/adoptive parents in this country. Consequently, one might expect that the road to adoption for eligible potential adoptive parents would be relatively smooth. But this is far from being the case. I am not saying that anybody should be able to adopt or foster a child or that there shouldn’t be a valid process and standards. But on my journey I am hearing that in too many cases the road to adopting a child out of the foster care system is very discouraging, sometimes painful, and even impossible.   In fact after sharing my disappointments, stops and starts, some people have suggested that I consider adopting a child from overseas! However, I am not ready to give up. I should not have to give up on adopting a child in my own "back yard." I admit that I did not expect the kind of experiences that I have had thus far.

My journey formally began two years ago when I attended an orientation at a large local foster/adoption agency. There were only about five prospective foster/adoptive parents present, which seems to be about the norm. The facilitator was so negative that if I had any doubts about adopting she nurtured them. I cannot remember one positive remark that might have been said at that orientation. An agency can be candid and realistic without being overly negative.

A year later I regrouped and signed up to attend an orientation at another local agency that was recommended to me.  Two heterosexual couples (one black and one white) and two single black women, myself included, attended the orientation. Of the six, only four attended the follow up mandatory PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education) training (takes place on three Saturdays). The other single woman and I expressed our interest in adoption only. She wanted to adopt her grandchildren out of the system. Much of the PRIDE training was conducted by an experienced foster care parent, a mature and retired African American lady whose biological children were grown and out of the house. Many people don’t know that most foster parents are fifty years and older. She and her husband foster only boys with disabilities, the difficult children to place. Their foster children are of various races and ethnicities. She shared a wealth of experience and wisdom with us. I was hopeful that I had found the right agency for me.

At both the orientation and the PRIDE training, attendees were asked to fill out the same application form. On the form we were asked whether we planned to adopt or foster, the gender, how many children, and the age range. I discovered during the training that in Michigan there cannot be more than fifty years difference between the child and the adoptive parent. One of the only ways around this rule is if one fosters a younger child or baby and the baby/child becomes a permanent ward of the state (parental rights are terminated) and thus available for adoption. Then the foster parent(s) may be given priority as adoptive parents regardless of age difference, if there is no eligible biological family willing to adopt the child. On each application I wrote that I wanted to adopt one female African American child at least eight years old.  And when verbally asked, I reiterated my intention to adopt. Each time the response was "we recommend becoming a foster parent first." Those conversations should have been a warning to me.

In the last segment of the PRIDE training two African American teens from Wendy's Kids shared some of their stories with us and then responded to questions. Both young ladies struck me as very intelligent, talented, and sincere. One became a ward of the state when her mother died. Her aunt had promised the mother to take care of her daughter but the aunt got married and the child no longer fit into the scheme of things. Both young ladies stressed that potential adoptive parents need to get to know them personally and not rely on words written about them in a file, which may or may not be true. A white male who was there with his wife asked the teens why they wanted to be adopted when they both were almost eighteen years old. I reminded myself that “there are no dumb questions.”  The teenagers responded that everybody wants to belong somewhere no matter how old they are. There was hardly a dry eye nor an untouched heart in the room. 

When the training ended, we were told that we would be assigned a licensing worker within two weeks to set up home visits and that meanwhile we should collect the items we would need for that visit (e.g., reference letters, criminal background check, TB test, physician’s report from physical exam, etc).  I had already begun collecting the items and had almost everything checked off the list. After a week I was impressed to call and follow up with the agency. The licensing supervisor was in a meeting so I left a voice message. She did not return my call, so I called again. This time she took the call and said to me that "nobody gave me your file." She proceeded to interrogate me on the phone, and finally claimed that there was not a great need for adoptive parents for African American females age 8-10. I challenged her statement; all the literature her agency gave to us and that I have read says otherwise. She said that she would get back to me. When she did not get back to me in what I felt was a reasonable time, I followed up by faxing a letter recounting her conversation with me and cc'ing the president of the agency. Within a few minutes of my sending the fax, she called me stating that they only have one case worker who does the licensing I need and that case worker would not be available for three months. I responded, “then please give me an appointment with her in three months.” "I will need to contact her," she responded. I said, “please do so. I don’t think this is an unreasonable request, is it?" The licensing supervisor never got back to me, but instead sent me a letter stating that they are a small agency and are unable to meet my needs. The letter named other agencies I might try. The one I am using now was not listed in her letter. The good thing about this whole fiasco is that my PRIDE training is transferable to any licensing agency.  In my current agency, I was told that the licensing processing should start immediately upon filling out the application to become an adoptive/foster parent. This had not happened with me.

The agency matters, as successful adoptive parents have told me and as I have found out. And all are not created equal, nor are all licensing and case workers. Since I am still going through the process I will not reveal at this time on my blog the names of the agencies to which I refer. Pray with me that the current agency with which I am dealing will demonstrate compassion, professionalism, and competency. Pray for me that I will not give up or give in to a less than optimally functioning system. Pray for the child that I hope to eventually mother and nurture that she is safe and loved, in the meantime.